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Daily thoughts of the lost foetus

Before talking to other women, I thought I was the only person to experience fairly regular thoughts of my aborted foetus. I worried that other people would see this as obsessive, and I was very hard on myself for having these thoughts. After sharing my feelings with other women, I found that not only did they not judge me, but that many of them had similar thoughts and feelings for a time after their abortions. Over time, for most women, these thoughts dissipate. You can't rush this process. The more distance you get from the procedure, the easier it becomes.
Increased alcohol and drug use

The need to numb oneself from physical and emotional discomfort is not uncommon, and sometimes drugs can serve a temporary purpose for a woman in a time of crisis. But in the larger picture, alcohol and drug use can be quite destructive, in that it prevents a woman from getting in touch with her emotions, which is essential to her healing. This is a huge issue. The sooner you can cut back, or stop using drugs, the better it will be for your health and happiness. Some people feel that by resolving difficult issues through counselling or self-help, the need for alcohol and drugs will diminish or disappear.
to top Anniversary dates

When I think of anniversaries, I think of two dates: the day of the abortion, and the due date - the day the baby would have been born. Some women experience an "anniversary reaction" around significant anniversaries - without being fully aware of the cause of what they're going through. A woman may feel sad, but not know why. Upon reflection, she may realize that her emotions are coming up around the same time that her foetus would have come to term, or that it has been a year since the abortion. In later years, it's not uncommon to think: "he or she would have been two, three, or five years old now." Or you may look at children that age and feel a bit wistful.

Whether you anticipate these emotions, or realize what they're about while you're having them, understanding where they come from can help you get a handle on them. Anniversaries can even provide you with an opportunity to resolve feelings that you couldn't face at the time.

Knowing that these anniversaries can be difficult times for you, gives you the opportunity to prepare for them. You might plan an activity that day that is meaningful to you: a ritual or ceremony; a massage or some other form of pampering; dinner with your partner (if you're still with him) or a friend; getting out into nature; quiet time alone; etc.

You may still have a strong reaction to the anniversary, but being pro-active, even if that only means acknowledging the day for what it is, can give you a sense of control.
to top Difficulty being around young children and pregnant women

Seeing children and pregnant women can trigger an entire menagerie of emotions: everything from longing, to pain, to jealousy and resentment. Seeing mothers and children can make us think: "That could have been me," or "I wish that were me."

I used to have a difficult time being around small children. Now that has begun to fade, but there are certain situations which can still hurt. For instance, seeing a woman breastfeeding her infant can fill me with heart-wrenching feelings of loss. When I explained these feelings to a girlfriend, one who has had a child, she shared her experience of breastfeeding. She told me that it had been very painful for her, that her nipples became dry, cracked, and would bleed. Often when she breastfed she would cry because it hurt, and she had to wean her child after a couple months because it was so painful. Her story had a very sobering effect on me. Often, we look at a mother and child and idealize their situation as blissful. It's not as simple as that. We often don't see the fuller picture - motherhood can be very hard. As I reflected on my idealized version of motherhood, I realized that many women have to deal with post partum depression, poverty, and sleeplessness, to name just a few of the hardships they often endure.

It's important to examine our feelings around this issue. My girlfriend told me a story about a friend of hers who grew bitter over her lack of children. As a flight attendant, she would offer to hold a mother's infant, and while holding it, would pinch the baby and make it cry. Consequently, the passengers, who would normally look at the mother and baby with awe, reacted with something close to annoyance, because they had to spend the flight enclosed with a screaming child. As a secondary effect, the mother had to spend the flight comforting her infant.

There is no correct way you should feel about seeing mothers and children. It's very common that it will bring up some emotions for you. What is important, however, is that you look at what you are feeling. If you don't deal with these emotions, they can really twist you up inside.
to top Observing Mother's Day

I saw my abortion as an act of love and responsibility. I felt as though I had made a motherly decision, so much so that when my partner ignored Mother's Day I felt indignant. Even though I didn't have a child to validate my motherhood, I had been, in some small way, a mother.

When a woman is pregnant, she develops a relationship with her own identity as a creator of life. Even if she never has an opportunity to raise a child, that relationship connects her with motherhood, with other women, and with the child she lost. When a woman's child dies, does she stop being a mother? What does motherhood mean to you?
to top Mementoes

Because abortion can be very abstract, in that we come away from it without anything tangible, women often find it helpful to have a momento as a reminder of what they've gone through. Momentoes can include anything, from your abortionist's business card, to seashells, to your ultrasound slide or hospital bracelet. Because you can't have anything that belonged to the foetus, you may have to use your imagination and improvise.

After an abortion, I found a blood stain on my quilt, and couldn't bring myself to wash it out. I asked myself why, and realized that the stain had meaning to me, it meant that something had happened. I cut the stain out of my quilt, and got the father to sew a patch in for me. The process was symbolic in that the hole in the quilt represented a hole in my heart and my life. Now, when I look at the patch on the quilt, I think about what it represents, and it's very meaningful to me. Even though some people could say that I destroyed a pristine quilt, I didn't want to forget what had happened. Now, I keep that little square of fabric in a small leather pouch on a necklace.
to top Loss of sex drive

What I like to call "gun shyness" is totally understandable. It's not that you're sexually abnormal now, and that you need to seek out the help of a sex therapist.

Different factors may be at play. You might feel tense, nervous, and unable to let go. You might worry that you could get pregnant again, or feel that you couldn't handle another abortion. For some, sex is a reminder of the experience they have been through. Others might feel cut off from or negative about their bodies, or that sex is an act of disrespect towards the foetus. Sex might just make you feel guilty - like you don't deserve to feel good.

In our society, pregnant women and mothers are seen as very asexual. This can affect women after abortions, making them feel less sexually attractive. In time, it is possible to re-establish your sexual identity to include both a fertile woman and a sexual one.

You have to be respectful of this process - healing takes time, and you can't speed it up. A lot of this has to do with your comfort zone. Often the tension and fear we experience is to do with not feeling in control. Maybe you could experiment with what feels comfortable for you. There are many ways to be intimate without having intercourse.

It's okay to cry during sex, it can release emotional pressure, and add to the feelings of intimacy between you and your partner. Communicate with your partner about what you're going through, and see if they're receptive to your needs. When the timing is right, it will all fall into place.
to top Naming it

This may seem melodramatic, and some people might think you're dwelling on the past, but it's quite common for women to give a name to their aborted or miscarried foetus. You may not know technically if it was a boy or a girl, but you might have an intuitive feeling or a preference, or you could give it a unisex name, like "Chris." Sometimes naming the foetus can be an act of love and respect, and can make you feel closer to it.

Some people tell their friends and family the name they give their foetus, but mostly a woman keeps it very private, either just to herself, or between herself and the father. A friend of mine told me that she uses the name she gave her lost foetus as her computer password. I liked this idea so much that I used mine for my e-mail password. I suppose another place you could use this private name would be the PIN number for your bank card. However you use these names, it can create a private and personal way to still feel connected.
to top Feeling disconnected from your body

Often the original distancing from your body happens before the abortion, as a way to prepare yourself for the procedure. These feelings can linger on, days, weeks, even months afterwards. In addition, sometimes you don't totally recognize your body because of the changes caused by the pregnancy. This can be very frightening or disturbing, and can serve as a reminder of what you've been through.

Every woman has ber own way of getting in touch with her body. Checking in with your body might mean asking yourself what you feel and where you feel it. Treating your body with respect may enhance your relationship with it: exercise, eat nutritious food, meditate, and pamper yourself with baths, massages, scents, or whatever helps you feel healthy and well nurtured.
to top Feeling numb

Sometimes we shut down in order to cope with life. Our psyches will know when the timing is right to let it all out. Maybe some months will go by and all of a sudden a flood of emotions will come spilling out. This may surprise you, because you had perceived your numbness as a sign that you were coping well.

Emotional shutdown is never ideal, because it has a way of creeping up and affecting other parts of your life, like, say for example, your health, or the way you feel about your body. I like to believe that when we break down, it's because our psyche knows that we're ready to deal with it.

If you feel numb, and you're concerned that you're "stuck," you might want to think of ways to unstick yourself. A counsellor can be an excellent sounding board and will have tools and exercises that can help you get in touch with your feelings. Watching cathartic videos and reading books about women's stories of miscarriage and abortion has helped me stir up my own feelings. There's nothing like a good cry to get your pipes moving. Art therapy is another way to release your emotions.
to top Feelings of shame

Could you imagine a time in the near future when any one could tell their boss that they need time off work for an abortion? If we need to get our wisdom teeth out we can ask for time off work, and we might even except to receive a "get well" card and flowers from our co-workers. It makes me so mad that we have to feel ashamed to have an abortion. Abortion is legal!

Shame can keep women silent and can impede our healing. Shame is deeper than guilt. When we feel guilt, it is about feeling that something we've done is bad. When we feel that we actually are bad, the feeling is shame. Shame can wound our self-esteem and sense of worth. If you are feeling embarrassed and ashamed of yourself, one way to work through that feeling is to challenge your assumptions about what is good and bad. Do you believe there is something bad about sex or being a woman? Are you blaming and judging yourself for actions and choices you would support and understand in a friend?

We are not our feelings. Just because you feel shame doesn't mean you are a bad person. Do you experience yourself as a bad person? I don't think you're a bad person. You are beautiful, strong, and intelligent. The fact that you're taking the time to consider these feelings says a lot of good things about who you are inside.

Letting go of the notion that you are bad can be the first step towards self forgiveness, healing and wholeness. You can feel good about yourself and your choices. It takes a lot of courage to come this far.
to top Avoiding foods that you relied on when you had morning sickness

Did you have morning sickness when you were pregnant? Did you find that you stuck to certain foods that helped to settle your stomach? soda crackers, apple sauce, bananas, mashed potatoes, dry toast, etc.? Some women find themselves avoiding the very same foods that they have always relied upon to settle their stomach, because they either ate an excessive amount while pregnant, or because these foods remind them that they were pregnant, and no longer are. There will come a time when eating those foods again won't be upsetting. They might even give you a pleasant sort of "connected" feeling. If the foods you're avoiding now were your old staples, then it might be fun to find some alternatives.

If you're feeling numb, or emotionally stuck, going back to these foods can be one way to get in touch with the way you were feeling at the time of the abortion. Sense of taste is related to sense of smell, which is the sense that is most connected to memory. Bringing up these emotions will allow you to acknowledge how you're feeling, which is a necessary part of the healing process.
to top Feeling selfish

Selfish is a word that can have negative connotations. In the sense that a woman has an abortion because she believes that to do so will be good for her and for her future, the abortion decision involves self interest. But it's important to realize that having a baby can be just as "selfish" as having an abortion. For example, motherhood can be a way of avoiding issues in your life, such as finding a paying job, cementing an unstable relationship, or gaining independence from your parents.

Many women are taught to be selfless and to put aside all self interest. These are old-fashioned limitations on being a woman. You may never want children, you may want children - but not right now - or you may already have children and not be up to having more. Whatever your situation, not having a child you're not prepared for is not an act of selfishness.
to top Feeling bad for having more than one abortion

It's funny how some people who are pro-choice set up arbitrary conditions to abortion. If, for example, a woman is married, was not using birth control, has an income of over x amount of dollars, and is in her mid-thirties (you get the picture), then there are those who might feel she is "less worthy" of having the option to abort. Those same people may feel that an unwed, socially disadvantaged adolescent with health risks, who has been raped, is "more" justified in having an abortion. To me being pro-choice is not about putting a specific reason, condition or limit on the right to choose abortion. It's simply a right. A woman's reason can be as unique and personal as she is. Making moral statements about a woman's right to choose abortion, based on the number of abortions she has already had, is anti-choice.

In some countries where contraceptives aren't readily available, abortion is the most used form of birth control. Some women have more than ten abortions over the course of their lifetime. For those of us who feel bad about ourselves for having two, three, or even eight abortions, it can bring us some solace in knowing we're not alone. Sometimes it can just be bad luck, inadequate contraceptives, or extreme fertility. I like to think that those of us who have had multiple pregnancies are fertility goddesses, and we should honour ourselves as such.
to top Anger toward the hospital, doctor and medical staff for inadequacies in treatment

A couple things could have gone wrong for a woman who has had a negative experience in a hospital. One main reason can be that hospital staff, are assigned to help women who have abortions without regard to whether they are pro- or anti-choice. Though it is unprofessional for these individuals not to put their religious beliefs aside, any animosity, neglect or abuse directed towards you was not about you personally. The issue of abortion is deeply emotional, for those who have not caught up to the 21st century. Remember, abortion is legal, so whatever issue they may think they have with you, is really between them, god and their MLA.

On the odd occasion anti-choice medical practice can happen. There have been some instances in which doctors have abused their positions of power. I heard about one doctor who would only agree to perform abortions on the condition that he sterilize the woman during the procedure. Some doctors who do perform abortions do so with reluctance, and this shows through in their gruff, or condescending communications with the women they are treating.

If you have had a negative experience, it might feel good to write your feelings down. It can be a therapeutic exercise to express your vulnerability, hurt and powerlessness on paper. Articulating yourself in this way helps to clarify and validate your experience. Beyond an exercise, you could send a letter to the hospital or a pro-choice organization, explaining what happened to you and how it made you feel. It can be a way to bring closure to a negative experience and also do some good in the future by affecting hospital policy, or by notifying those who make referrals, as to what your experience was.


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home		 If you have been troubled by unresolved feelings after an abortion,
and don't see your feelings reflected in our list, please e-mail us.
skye@prochoiceconnection.com