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Women's Stories
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One of the hardest parts about abortion, is that though it's legal, it is still socially taboo. Often we don't know who we can talk to about it. Maybe you do have people you can talk to, but wonder if your reaction to abortion was "normal." After my abortion, I wanted to hear and read about other women's stories, to put mine in perspective. At the time I couldn't find any books on abortion, so I read women's experiences in books about miscarriage.
It can be a good thing to tell your story, to get it off your chest and out of your system. And in doing so, you may help other women understand their experiences in relation to yours. |
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Elizabeth Vancouver, British Columbia I've had three abortions, one when I was 19 years old, and two ten years later, in 1995. I felt a little stress with my first abortion only because I really don't like going to the hospital (I hate needles and general anaesthetic). Afterwards, however, I felt relieved - like I had a new lease on life. I used methotrexate for my first abortion in 1995. It was actually pretty easy, kinda like a heavy period - physically - but emotionally I was feeling quite sentimental. This was very weird and confusing because I am totally pro-choice and was very resolved in my decision. Up until this time, at the age of 29, I hadn't felt any maternal feelings. In fact, I felt pretty certain that I didn't ever want children. I was especially confused about the sense of loss I was feeling, and was angry with myself for having any emotions afterwards (like they were a sign of weakness). I was a nervous wreck but managed to finish my school term with good marks. Most of my emotional upset subsided during the summer. Then just as I was starting to think that I was over my last abortion, I found out that I was pregnant again! I didn't think I could handle an abortion so soon after the last one, but didn't feel I had a real choice. No money, no family, no partner, and still going to school on a student loan. I tried to see if I could take methotrexate again, but the ultrasound showed that I was past eight weeks. Knowing how much I dislike hospitals, a friend recommended a clinic which uses local, instead of general, anaesthetic. There's so much to say about my experience at the clinic. It's different than when you go to a specific gynecologist. At the clinic I went to, I didn't get to pick or meet the doctor who would be performing my abortion. When I found out that I was scheduled to have a male doctor, the counsellor was nice enough to reschedule my procedure for a time with a female doctor. Because of my fear of needles, they were also nice enough to "freeze" the skin on my arm where the I.V. would be inserted. I asked my G.P. for an ativan prescription to help me sleep the night before the procedure, and she respected my request. Unfortunately, during the abortion, the local anaesthetic didn't work, and since the doctor had used the maximum dosage, she couldn't try refreezing me. Without local anaesthetic, the procedure was verrrry painful, and I asked the doctor to stop. I think I was tensing up because of the pain, and I just needed to catch my breath. The doctor didn't stop - she kept telling me she was almost finished. The assisting nurse released a large dose of fentanyl (a painkiller) into my I.V. I wasn't prepared for the fentanyl - it made me feel really drugged and out of control. Later on, the girlfriend who held my hand through the operation asked me what I would have done if the doctor had stopped - would I have let her finish? Good question. I think I would have though. After a long nap when I got home, I began a very difficult time in my life. At times I thought I was losing my mind. I didn't go back to work for over a month, and I judged myself harshly for not coping well. To begin with, I felt traumatized by the pain of the abortion and found myself crying on a daily basis. To numb myself, I watched television and smoked drugs. In my mind, I went over the procedure again and again. As the memories of the procedure diminished, I was left with a profound sense of loss. It seems odd to say, but on some level I loved what I had lost. When a year had gone by I asked myself why I wasn't getting over it, and in time, I decided to find a counsellor to help me work on my self esteem. Though I found my abortions in '95 devastating, particularly the last one, I do not regret my decision. The more I've shared my feelings with other women the better I've felt, and now that it's been over two years, I feel a lot better, though I know that it will never totally be out of my system. |
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